It’s getting real now.
My eight weeks of supplemental unemployment will run out after next week. After that, we’ll be surviving on unemployment alone. Between Killian and I, that’s about $500 than we actually need per month to cover our bills and buy essentials like food and gasoline. I think about that gap of $500 and I get scared. And then I realize that my health benefits are about to disappear as well, and sometimes the panic starts to set in.
Then it stops. Maybe I’m part delusional, I don’t know. Maybe this is some of the denial I talked about earlier. But either way, I have this deep-seated feeling that everything is going to be OK.
I’m not sure where this comes from. I’m not a religious person. I have spirituality, yes, but my personal brand of spirituality doesn’t necessarily include an entity who is looking out for me and never “gives you more than you can handle.” I wish I had that philosophy sometimes, but I don’t.
And yet… and yet…
Somehow I just know, deep, deep down, that we will be OK.
Oh, I’m not being stupid. I’m preparing. Like a squirrel before winter, I’ve been stocking up our larder so that now it’s full of rice and cans of food and bags of beans and whatever else is on sale. And now with my limited license in hand from the state, I’m getting serious about the job search. It’s not like I’m waiting around for someone to salvation to fall on my head. I’m doing things. Lord, am I doing things. Sometimes it seems I’m about as busy now as I was when I was actually working.
I know what I’m good at. I’m good at making things happen. I don’t wait for them to happen to me. I have made my plan of attack – a list of places I want to work and their addresses. I don’t just wait to see a job listing show up. I show up unannounced with resume and cover letter in hand. Who knows what might happen.
I am putting together a proposal to be able to offer low-fee counseling at the crisis center where I volunteer in exchange for turning over a portion of the proceeds to the center. The center needs the money, people need low-cost counseling options and I need a job. Everyone would win.
I’ve taken lead of the organization’s quarter-million fundraising campaign and writing grant proposals. If it works (please, work!) it will be a great thing to tout on the ol’ resume.
I’ve started doing pro-bono counseling for another agency in the small town where I live. They were shocked to have someone other than an internship student show up offering to counsel for free, but I’m thrilled to be doing this in a small town where so many people who need help have so few options.
So, you see? Busy.
Maybe that’s where this sense that I will be alright comes from. Because I do believe that if I keep trying and keep moving, something will happen. It’s a matter of time.
That “time” part is the part that scares me. I don’t honestly know how long we can hold out this way.
But somehow, some way, some time – something good is coming.